I don't need stability
by guess it's me
Summary: Michelle Collins is called back to S.H.I.E.L.D to help the Winter Soldier recover. But how is she supposed to provide stability and hope if she can't even control her own inner deamons? After all, there is a reason she resigned and it might have to do something with her new aggressive and, admittedly, handsome Mission.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hi There! First of all, I should say that English is not my first language, so please bear with mistakes and let me know if something is not correct.**

 **The Story takes place after civil war but I have changed quite a few Things. For example, Bucky turned himself in and now slowly recovers in a new S.H.I.E.L.D base, where Fury is still the director.**

 **Enjoy and let me know what you think**

 **Chapter 1**

Maria Hill looked up from her desk in the new S.H.I.E.L.D base as soon as she heard tentative steps coming in her direction. When she spotted the young woman, she hurried over to her and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug.

"Shelly, oh god, it's so good to see you, how have you been?" Maria held the woman – Shelly – at arm's length to get a closer look at her and smiled genuinely. "You look better.", she exclaimed when Shelly obviously struggled to answer her question, finally settling on "I'm holding up, thank you". Maria noticed the slight shiver in her tone but ignored it – after all, Shelly did look healthier than the last time she had seen the blonde agent.

The younger woman took a step back and let out a deep breath to stop her voice from breaking. "Why am I here?" She felt the panic inside her rise slowly at the unfamiliar setting. In this moment she regretted having come back and wanted to run. Just run and curl up in her familiar bed where no one could hurt her and nobody could get hurt by her. But no, she had come and now she was going to stay to find out what was important enough for them to call her. Shelly cursed herself silently – her curiosity was what had gotten her into that mess in the first place.

"Fury's waiting in there", Maria pointed to the wide steel door behind them. With a slow nod, Shelly silenced her inner daemons and made her way across the hallway. Suddenly, Maria reached out to grab her elbow and the younger agent felt her breath hitch at the movement. Sensing the uneasiness, Maria held up her hands to signal that she was no threat. "One more thing, Shelly. We wouldn't have called you if we had any other option, you know that."

The blonde woman reached the door but turned around again to smile at her former supervisor. "It's that important, huh?" With a last glance at Maria's apologetic gesture, Shelly opened the door and stepped inside, bracing herself for the order she was about to get.

xXx

Inside the giant office, she was faced with the director's back. As she knew him well enough to pick up on even tiny details others might have missed, she saw his left shoulder tense for a second. He was aware that she was in the room – even more than that, he was scared to face her for the first time since she resigned.

The silence in the spacious room was almost unbearable, even if it lasted only mere seconds. "Welcome back, agent Collins." Fury's deep and dusty voice sounded far too familiar for a moment and she had to force herself not to flinch at the mass of memories that came rushing in. "I am not an agent anymore, Fury." Her dark green eyes met his brown ones and they displayed her fears and anger openly. "I am not going into the field again.", Shelly wrung out as she still stared him down. Fury simply nodded and averted his gaze, looking out of one of the many human-sized windows. "I know", he stated in a somewhat emphatic tone, "We would never do this to you. And yes, I know, that you resigned and asked me to leave you alone, but we need you." Shelly let out a softer sigh and cocked her head slightly to her side, a habit she had inherited by her mother. "What's the situation, director?"

Fury once again turned around to meet her eyes, his mouth slightly twitching and a single drop of sweat appearing on his forehead. To see the director at a loss of words was almost hilarious, if it wouldn't mean bad news, at least.

"We currently have a patient living at the base, a war veteran. He seems unable to cope with his experiences and everything we have tried so far has failed. He won't talk to counsellors, even shows aggressive behaviour towards them. We thought that maybe you could get through to him and help him readjust to the normal world." The intensity in Fury's gaze heightened as he waited for the woman to react. Her expression, on the other hand, went blank. Shelly kept replaying his words in her mind to find a hidden meaning. There had to be some hidden meaning, they would not just bring her back as a recovery buddy for some PTSD patient. They wouldn't.

When the former agent finally spoke, it was only three words: "Who is he?"

Fury brought his right hand up to brush away the drops of sweat that have accumulated on his forehead. "Do you remember the Winter Soldier?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

To say she was shocked would be the understatement of her lifetime. The win- … no way … there was no way. He couldn't be here, she would know. Someone would have told her for sure. They wouldn't have called her if he was here. Out of all the agents, they would not have brought her in for this mission. There was just no way. Looking at Fury's expression, however, she knew it was true.

"How? How long? Why? Why me?", it was not typical for Shelly to ramble but in this moment nothing seemed to be normal anyways. While waiting for a more detailed explanation, the woman shut her eyes tightly and focused on her breathing. Fury, knowing the agent too well to interrupt her silent meditation, simply watched her intently. Once she opened her eyes again to meet his gaze attentively, he began to fill her in on the happenings of the last few weeks.

"During a fight with Captain Rogers and Agent Romanoff, the Winter soldier could successfully be identified as Sergeant James Barnes. I believe you were aware of his identity, right?" Shelly solely nodded and motioned for the director to continue. "It took a while but the Captain managed to get through to him and bring back some of his memories. Unfortunately, Barnes was – is – not particularly able to cope with his newfound memories and decided to surrender. This was about two months ago. We, of course, offered our assistance in recovery. In exchange, Barnes has agreed to stay in the base under our observation. I already mentioned that his adjustment is not going well so far and that is what we need you for."

"What exactly is it you want me to do?" Her mind still tried to process all the information but somehow she already knew that she was going to take on this mission. "You have had similar experiences, just get him to talk to you and open up. Show him how to deal with the guilt and anger inside of him and how to move on."

The younger woman took one last breath before answering the unspoken question. "I'll do it."

If asked why she took the job, Shelly wouldn't know what to say. She didn't really understand why she agreed so readily, maybe guilt. Maybe because this was her one shot at redemption, a way to overcome her own past. "Good to have you back then, agent Collins.", Fury said as he held out his hand for her to shake. Shelly took it and couldn't help but feel like this was still where she belonged, even after all that had happened.

"I'm going to have his file brought to you. You will have to move into the base for the time of the mission, though."

"Give me three hours."

xXx

Exactly two and a half hours later Shelly – Agent Collins – once again entered the base to be once again greeted by Maria Hill. Only this time a large gym bag dangled off her shoulder, filled with what little she needed for the course of this mission. She had spent most of the time deciding on what books to bring, thinking about what she might want to reread and also what he might be interested in. It had started out as a single thought but somehow she couldn't shake the feeling that he – the winter soldier, famously known to be a deadly assassin – might enjoy a good book just as much as she did.

Ever since Fury had dropped the name, he had been in the back of her mind. She was more than curious to find out what he was really like. The real him, not what Hydra made him to be. Would he talk to her? Would he be anything like the Lady's man the museum described him to be? Would he recognize and kill her at first sight?

Even when this sort of thoughts appeared inside her head, she still was not afraid of him. Fear in general was not something she had felt often those past few years. Truth be told, death was not scary anymore once you lost everything.

"Shelly, are you even listening?" Maria's voice brought her back into the real world, reminding her once again that she was not used to people as she let out a high-pitched squeak. The pretty blonde mumbled a quick apology before following Maria who had already started towards the elevator. The older Agent held the electronical door open with her foot and then pressed the button down.

"You're keeping him in the basement? Seriously?", Shelly stared incredulously at her companion. "He is a human being, you could at least allow him some sunlight in his cell." The stare Maria shot her was full of disbelief and something close to repressed anger. "Actually, we're keeping him on the floor beneath the basement. He is a killer, Shelly, an assassin waiting to pounce on his prey. Don't ever forget that." Shelly reacted solely by huffing out some air in a manner that clearly stated she did not agree. "He's not worse-." Maria roughly grabbed Shelly's head with one hand to force her to meet her eyes. Her expression was fierce and somewhat pained as she stared into the younger woman's green eyes. "I swear to God, if you say he's not worse than you then I am going to slap you", Maria spit out, adding "I will" for good measure. Instead of finishing her sentence, Shelly averted her gaze and stepped out of the elevator as soon as the door opened.

In silence, she waited for the other woman to pass her and lead the way towards her new home. Moving ahead down the one corridor, they went past several assumedly empty rooms that all looked exactly the same. It was not quite like in an actual jail, but Shelly still couldn't help but feel itchy. How she was supposed to live down here for the next few weeks – or longer, she didn't know how long the mission was going to take – was beyond her imagination. Sure, she had lived in places that had 'Danger' and 'You are not welcome here' written all over them but that was back in her days as a field agent. Here, in the S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters, she had at least hoped for a window to look down on New York.

Maria stilled in front of the last door and waited for the younger Agent to acknowledge her. Shelly nodded once but still did not break the silence. She did not mind the silence at all, no, she even enjoyed it.

"This is his room", the older Agent explained pointing at the last door marked with a steel sign saying '26'. "And this is yours", she pointed towards the door next to it, which was apparently room number 25. Maria pulled a set of keys out of her back pocket and held it out for Shelly to take. "I've got the room right next to him?" In this moment, the blonde hated how shaky her voice sounded. She didn't have a problem with that, she didn't. But she was surprised nonetheless.

"It is just like Fury told you, you should be there for him. Whenever he needs you and for whatever reason. To have your room right next to him is just a practical decision."

Shelly reacted with half a nod to signal she got what Maria was really saying. Be there even if he doesn't want you there. Listen to what he's doing and react. Always have the upper hand.

"His file is on your desk, so just settle in and have a closer look at what you're getting yourself into." Shelly finally reached for the set of keys and started to unlock the door of her new home. For a moment she contemplated simply going in and closing the door, but then she decided against it. In a swift movement she turned around and hugged Maria tightly, smiling genuinely.

"Be careful, Shelly"

"I always am. That's why I'm still alive."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey there! I'm really sorry for not updating sooner but life is pretty stressful right now. I just want to say that I won't abandon this story. Also, I'm super excited because I got my first follows and review. So thank you for that and here is the next chapter.**

 **Let me know what you think!**

 **Chapter 3**

 _Breathe. Just keep breathing regularly and everything will be fine._

Minutes must have passed since Shelly stepped in front of room number 26. She had raised her hand already two times, but each try she gave into her fears before actually knocking on the wooden door in front of her. She could feel her heart beat way too fast and way too unregularly. This was in no way an unfamiliar feeling for her, but she didn't expect it to happen in this situation. Until last night, she believed this to be a hard and rather annoying task that would bring her to her limits. Now, however, she knew it was an impossible mission.

Shelly had spent the whole night reading through his file and trying to memorise the main details. The task usually would have taken about two hours. This time Shelly needed almost seven full hours, because she had to stop and take a break every now and then. She knew her past was painful and filled with blood, but he … if he even remembered only a small part of what he did, he had to be in indescribable agony.

The file had also told her about Sergeant James Barnes – the life he had before Hydra took him and turned him into their personal killing machine. Most of it, she had already been familiar with. He had been a Lady's man and when she looked at the picture from 1944 the file had included, she had no trouble believing it. Barnes was further described as 'one of the good ones'. To be honest, that broke her for a moment. If that good man was indeed still inside of the Winter soldier, then how could he live with his memories? How could she possibly help him accept these actions? Or maybe … just maybe … he was better off locked away from the outside world.

Again, Shelly raised her hand and this time she actually knocked. Her breathing was still shallow but so what? It's not like he could hear her heart beat anyway, right? … Right? The rational part of the agent's mind knew that this was not a possibility, but then again, she had heard just one too many rumours about what the Winter soldier was capable of.

xXx

Another full minute had passed since Shelly had knocked on the wooden door in front of her and nothing had happened so far. No movement, no sound at all. She knocked one more time but inside the blonde could already feel her patience wearing thin. As there was still no sign of life to be heard, she sighed. She really didn't want to do it like this, like she was controlling him. She had wanted to let her in on his own accord, meet on a friendly note. But apparently, the soldier had other plans.

Reaching for the set of keys in her pocket, she looked down her body again. Shelly wore a simple dark green sweater and black skinny jeans. Her appearance didn't exactly say 'I'm the boss of you' and that was exactly what she was going for. She tugged a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ear and, with another long sigh, unlocked door number 26.

The door creaked slightly as she opened it and pushed herself through. The first thing she noticed was that the room was very brightly lighted. The second thing was that it looked exactly like her own new home. The wooden bed was situated on the wall straight ahead and the desk and closet were on her right. There were really only two differences. The first being the smaller door leading into the bathroom, which was on the right side, not the left. The main difference, however, was the long-haired, bearded, muscular man sitting on the bed and frowning at her.

Shelly struggled to adjust to the brightness for a moment and then closed the door behind her.

 _This is it. This might be my last moment on earth. I'm here, no going back now._

Instead of saying something or even simply greeting him, Shelly nodded at the soldier once before sitting down against the wall next to the door. She crossed her legs in front of her and alternated between looking at him and staring at the ceiling.

Whenever it was him she was looking at, she observed another detail. His amazing blue eyes that seemed to look inside of her. His almost shoulder-length hair that desperately needed a wash. The twitch of his left eye that signalled he was getting angry. The way his shoulders tensed even when she was not looking at him.

Shelly had no idea how much time had passed already, but she didn't care. He would take as much time as he needed to react to her presence, she didn't want to overwhelm him right away. Every now and then, she would do something that the soldier obviously did not expect. Like smile. Or crack the bones in her fingers. Or sometimes she just closed her eyes for minutes that seemed endless to her.

Finally, he snapped. "Is this supposed to be some sick kind of trick to get me to talk?" Barnes nearly spat the words at her and his blue eyes glared dangerously. His face represented honest fury, but the words themselves sounded weak. His voice was strained, like he hadn't used it for days … maybe even weeks. It fit the counsellor's description of the soldier saying he never spoke. Nonetheless, he had just spoken to her.

"No trick", Shelly answered calmly, eyes locked with the soldier's ones. "I'm simply here to keep you company. If you don't want to talk, don't talk. Easy as that."

The glare in his eyes was still evident, but she saw his facial expression morph into something else. Curiosity. He was probably wondering if she was telling the truth or if this was indeed some cruel psychological experiment. In the end they both knew that only time could reveal the answer to his silent questions. As Barnes seemed to go over the possibilities in his head, they fell back into the silence. Shelly, for the first time in ages, did not mind the silence surrounding them. She was too focused on the man on the other side of the room to listen to her inner daemons.

xXx

Judging from the growling sounds her stomach emitted, it had to be lunch time already. Should she just go and get herself something to eat? Should she stay here? Well, given that Barnes had not shown any reaction for at least two and a half hours, it wouldn't make any difference to him. Right when she decided to fill her basic needs, however, the soldier turned his head to look at her. Something he hadn't done for at least three hours.

"Aren't you supposed to ask me questions like the other counsellors?" His voice was deep and still rough, but there was a curious pitch to it now.

Shelly gave him a small but genuine smile. "Well, I'm not a counsellor… so no, I'm not going to ask you questions we both already know the answers to. I'm an agent, or rather I used to be, now I'm your recovery buddy."

Barnes parted his lips slightly in surprise, apparently this was a development he hadn't seen coming. The twitching left eye, on the other hand, still conveyed his growing agitation with the unwanted guest. "Doesn't that include talking as well?"

"It will, eventually. But I thought for now you might appreciate getting used to my presence in silence." The soldier's brow furrowed at her statement, calmly delivered. With an almost unnoticeable nod he motioned Shelly to continue her explanation.

"You see", she started, trying to formulate the thoughts inside her head. "You like the silence, or rather, you need it. When I read your file, I noticed you got aggressive whenever the counsellors just kept talking to you. It's all too much, isn't it? The voices in your head are loud enough and they are driving you to the edge of sanity. But when more voices join the conversation, it's just too much. So you tried to shut the counsellors up, but they wouldn't and you attacked. That's also why you had six different experts talking to you so far."

Shelly's words were more statement than question, but Barnes nodded nonetheless. His blue eyes were wide open and staring at her curiously and maybe he was even a bit scared.

For a moment Shelly had to hold back a chuckle. This man was supposed to be Hydra's most deadly assassin, cold-hearted and unforgiving. But right now, she could see every emotion he was feeling, no blank face to hide behind. He was scared of her … scared because she truly understood what was going on inside his head. The endless fight to accept what can't be changed anymore.

"Who are you?"

Shelly gracefully stood up and made her way over to the wooden bed Barnes occupied. Arms crossed, shoulders tense as she got closer, but his eyes followed her every move. Finally, she reached the bedside and stretched out her arm for him to take. As the soldier simply stared at her to answer his question, she let her hand fall to her hip instead.

"I'm agent Michelle Collins, but you can call me Shelly."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Bucky stared at the arm that was outstretched in front of him.

 _What the hell? Who is she?_

The question he had just asked her was still filling his mind and giving him no rest. And she never actually answered whether or not this was some kind of sick trick to get him to spill his secrets. There was something about her, that much he was sure of. But in a good or bad way? Probably bad – in his experience it was always bad.

"I'm agent Michelle Collins, but you can call me Shelly."

Agent? Didn't she just say she used to be one – as in not anymore? Did she just blow her cover? The soldier slowly shifted his gaze from the woman to his bare feet, outstretched in front of him on the – for him – tiny bed. He needed to focus, and she was too close for him to breathe freely. Every muscle in his body was tensed and prepared for the attack that might come any moment now.

"So, you're James Buchanan Barnes, obviously.", the woman talked again and somehow the nervous undertone she tried to hide put Bucky at ease. She was at least as afraid of him as he was afraid of her. Well, he wasn't really afraid of her – she was small and fragile in comparison to her, he could snap her neck before she could even take her next breath. But this small, fragile woman was the first person to understand what was going on within his head. This constant noise from all the memories in the back of his mind were driving him crazy and when outside voices were added, it was just too much. Bucky himself could not have put the feeling into words, but the way she did had described it perfectly.

Once again, he shifted slightly to look directly at the woman still standing too close for his liking. He had already memorised her appearance down to the most insignificant details, when she had been sitting on the floor across the room. If he was standing, she would only reach up to his shoulders. She was small but beneath her sweater he could see hints of muscles. Her hair was a dark blonde - assumedly naturally so – colour and it was pulled into a low bun, but some strands were loosely framing her face. Her face was rather plain – full lips, a small nose and some freckles left from summer.

But her eyes he hadn't been prepared for. Looking closely for the first time, they were an even darker green. Her eyes instantly shied away from his intense gaze and told him everything he needed to know.

Whatever this was, Bucky was sure it was not a trick being played on him. It didn't mean he would trust her, but at least he wouldn't snap her neck. The caution and fear in this woman's look were just too familiar to ignore. It was the look he saw everytime he looked into a mirror. The look of a broken person.

xXx

The soldier had been staring at her for a few minutes now and Shelly got more and more nervous.

 _Did he recognise me? He can't have, can he?_

Shelly silently tried to go over her plan in her mind. "Um, well", she knew her voice was shaking badly. "What do you want me to call you? Barnes or Bucky? Or Sergeant?"

Bucky raised his right eyebrow in an expression that could only express annoyance. As if he wanted to tell her he knew what kind of game she was playing. Well, he surly didn't, because – hell, she didn't even know what game she was playing herself.

"Not Sergeant and not Bucky. Barnes is fine.", his voice sounded bored but the way his left eye twitched, gave it away. She peaked his interest. With a wicked little smile, she turned around and put some space between herself and her mission. As before, Shelly settled down on the floor next to the door. Only when she had made herself comfortable on the cold ground, did she speak again. "Is there something you want to ask me, Barnes?"

They both know he did. However, Bucky seemed to contemplate whether or not to ask. In the end, curiosity – or the need to get information – won the battle.

"Why did you not ask me if I wanted to be called James?"

"Come on, buddy, we both know only your mother was allowed to call you that."

It only lasted a mere moment, but Shelly could hear his breath hitch. Now she needed to give him time. Maybe he had already remembered that memory, but maybe it was coming back just now. From the outside, there was no way to tell, because his face had gone blank. No expression to be easily read anymore. Staring straight ahead like this, the woman could really imagine him as Hydra's deadly assassin.

There was no rush, he needed time to snap back to reality. So, Shelly did what she had to. She waited for him to make the next move.

xXx

Bucky flinched as one of the voices in the back of his mind got louder and louder. It was one of the memories he had pushed away, one he didn't want to remember. The woman was right again and honestly, he hated her for it. Somehow, she knew exactly what to say to push his buttons. He was an assassin, for fuck's sake – no one should be able to get to him so easily. So he did what he had to do. Bucky tensed his whole body and tried to hide away every emotion until his face had gone totally blank.

Inside, however, nothing was blank. The emotions were swirling around in his head as he once again remembered his mother's death. She was the only one that called him by his real name and she would stay the only one.

He had seen these flashes of his past before, but now some new ones were added. There was Steve – back in the days before he became Captain America – shouting "James" at him after a fight they had had. There was Steve again, this time grieving about Bucky's mom passing away. Several memories came back at once and all of them involved his former best friend. Actually, it did make sense. There wasn't really anyone else important in his life after his mother had died.

Finally, his mind calmed down, but he wasn't able to rest. Nobody knew about that little detail, so how would she know?

Bucky's left eye started twitching again when he turned to face the blonde agent across the room. "I guess you didn't get that from my file, did you?" Even he could hear how cold and distanced his voice sounded. This was the soldier talking right now – and he demanded answers.

"No, I didn't", the woman's calm smile was agitating him even more. She should be afraid of the Winter soldier and not smile nicely as if they were neighbours chatting about their day. "Steve once told me about how you would freak out when he called you 'James'. And how he sometimes had to, because it was the only way you would listen when you were being stubborn. If I'm being honest with you, Barnes, I know a lot of things about you that aren't stated in your file."

The Sergeant knew that he should be concerned about the fact that her words sounded like a threat. But all he could focus on was the mention of the person who used to be closest to him.

xXx

Shelly knew it was a risk to mention Captain America so soon, but she had to. Barnes was not the kind of man who could be manipulated by a wink or a brush of her fingertips against his arm. In this case she had to use all the weapons she had at her disposal, even if it was a low-blow. Of course, there was always the possibility that her method of making him talk would backfire. But so what? It wasn't like she had much to lose anyway.

Looking at the man on the other side of the room, the agent started fidgeting and cracking her bones again and again. He hadn't replied to her earlier comment yet, his face still blank. In this moment Shelly was truly terrified that she had provoked memories the soldier could not handle in his momentary state.

Maybe she should apologize? Give him more time? Prepare for an attack? The woman honestly hadn't expected this outcome. In theory she would have thrown him the bait and he would have become angry enough to speak again. Shelly would have bet that this was his reaction, not the silent treatment she was currently facing. Sure, she couldn't have known exactly what would happen if she casually mentioned Steve Rogers. However, in her own experience, it wasn't unlikely. After all, the moment someone so much as whispered Toby's name, she freaked out. She learned to control her outburst over the last years, but the overwhelming agitation she felt remained nonetheless.

Finally, she decided to end her little nervous misery and stood up once more. Glancing at the man she was meant to help, she spoke softly: "Are you okay?" Yes, it was a stupid question. Yes, she was aware of the situation she was in. No, she did not expect him to be fine. But she needed him back in the real world before she could say what she had to. And so, as soon as his blue eyes found her green ones, she continued. "I know that it must be hard to remember, but we both know it's a necessary evil. Sometimes all these memories come back at once and you don't know what you feel anymore, but you will learn to control your thoughts as soon as you accept it." Barnes huffed, obviously enraged. "There you go, telling me all the crap the counsellors always did. You don't know half of what I've actually done. And no, I won't just accept that I've murdered cruelly and unforgivingly, just because you say it'll clear my conscience."

Shelly smiled at him sadly then made her way over to his side of the room. Sitting down beside the bed she made sure she would not tower over him. "I know. You may not believe me, but I know what you are going through. It was not the same, not even close, but I lost myself and someone very important to me in the process. It's been four years since I came home from that mission and I still haven't slept through a whole night. I know that talking about what you feel sucks. That's why I want to say thank you for talking to me right now. That's the first step." The soldiers' frown deepened as he seemed to take the agent in with new interest. "You say you're like me", he started, "but you're just like them. You want me to accept what I've done and live with it to make me your weapon. S.H.I.E.L.D wants to use me just as much as they did."

Shelly simply took a long breath and thought about her next words. She could not negate his statement because she had no clue what Fury had planned for him. What she could do, however, was making it clear that she was nothing like the agency's counsellors she so despised. He was right in that aspect: All they had wanted was for her to be cleared for new missions. For her to be ready to kill again.

"Im not telling you that you should accept the things you have done. You shouldn't. Those missions you've been sent on were bloody and if you're still anything like the old Barnes you wouldn't accept they were your doings. But what you should accept is the fact that you can't change the past. What's done is done. No second chance, the only thing you can do is learn from your experience and move forward."

"Is that what you have done?", Barnes asked the blonde woman sitting on the floor next to him. She stared straight ahead and did not move, he only heard her stomach growling loudly in the silence.

"Well", she said as she stood up and wandered towards the door, "I'm still working on it. I thought I was over the whole situation but being here brings back memories. How about we just tackle it together, we're supposed to be buddies anyway. One day at a time, alright? I think this is enough for today, want to go to the cafeteria to eat?" The bearded, long-haired man simply shook his head. "I'm not allowed outside of my room." "What do you eat then?", Shelly asked baffled. She realized, however, that he hadn't declined her offer to work together. That had to be progress. Barnes shrugged nonchalantly, "They bring me a plate of food and a spoon twice a day. Never a fork or a knife, because they're scared I'll kill the messenger. Or maybe myself."

Shelly once again saw some flicker of self-hatred mixed with agony in the man's eyes and decided that maybe she was not done for the day yet. He was not a prisoner, well, he was kind of – but that was so not the point. He deserved an actual meal with an actual fork. Mind made up, she walked out of the door. Before closing it, she turned around one more time to face Barnes. "I'll be right back."


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi guys! I'm soon going back to University so I don't know how regularly I'll be able to update. But I'm really excited whenever I get a notification for this story and they make me write a lot faster. So please let me know what you think and review.**

 **Hope you like my turn on Bucky :)**

 **Chapter 5**

The soldier kept staring ahead, his feet still stretched out in front of him, sitting on the bed. From the outside he looked calm, maybe even peaceful. The inside, however – that was a completely different story.

In addition to all the memories concerning his former best friend being replayed over and over again in his head, he couldn't help but overanalyse everything the female agent had said.

 _Could she possibly be trusted? Was she telling the truth? Did she really experience something similar? Did she simply play with his mind? Did she actually know Steve? Will she come back?_

 _Yes, she said she would come back. But did she mean it? Did she simply want a reason to leave without seeming too impolite?_

 _Yes, it would be nice to be able to talk to someone who understands. Yes, she seemed like she know what she was talking about. No, he did not know anything about her that would make him trust her. No, he did not know how to deal with this situation – with this woman._

It felt as if hours had passed since the blonde had closed the door behind her. With every moment that passed, with every minute he counted, Bucky grew even surer that the agent would not come back. But then why had she bothered to tell him she would? Why not just leave?

He couldn't decipher her and that was a real problem. He was made to assess situations in the blink of an eye and react accordingly. Everything inside of Bucky screamed to figure out what the agent had planned and counteract each of her movements. But for that she had to come back first. So he did what was used to, he waited.

xXx

Bucky counted exactly 39 minutes since the blonde woman had left, when the door creaked open once more. She – Michelle, he remembered – pushed the door open with her right foot while she balanced two plates full of food and rather clumsily made her way to the middle of the room. Having placed the plates on the floor between them, she turned around towards the exit one more time.

Bucky watched her somewhat curiously, especially since he noticed the knife adorning one of the plates. What the fuck was wrong with this woman? Did she have some sick kind of death wish? Not only did she bring a weapon into the cell of an accomplished assassin – no, she left it unsupervised. For a second, he expected her to leave, but the agent simply closed the door she had left open earlier.

"Here you go", Michelle told him, gesturing to the plate closer to him.

Behind his blank mask, Bucky was still cursing the woman in front of him. As if she didn't have a single care in the world, she moved to sit on the floor cross-legged and started cutting her food. Taking a closer look, he identified the food as some kind of meatloaf drenched in a brown sauce and peas.

Given that he still hadn't moved, she leaned forward to push his plate closer to the bed he occupied. "Come on, you must be starving, no?" Bucky simply stared at the food by his side, as if it would help him figure out what was going on.

Sighing loudly, Michelle stabbed a piece of his meatloaf with her fork and stuffed it in her mouth. "See, no poison. Food good. You need to eat." After a little break, she started to speak again, her voice this time a lot more unsure. "Do you want me to leave?"

The soldier actually thought about the question for a few minutes. No, he didn't want her to go, he was sick of being alone in this window-less room. Maybe it was because of his curiosity, maybe, just maybe, he enjoyed the company of someone who's not scared of the infamous Winter soldier. Having made up his mind, Bucky stretched his arms and got off the bed.

Michelle looked more than a little taken aback when he got seated on the floor, his back leaning against the side of the bed. She hadn't touched her food since offering to give him space, which he – of course – had noticed.

So Bucky put his plate of food on his lap and started scooping up peas. Catching the woman's green eyes, he nodded in her direction in a somewhat challenging manner. "Your food's getting cold", was all he said when he focused on the vegetables.

That actually made Michelle crack a small smile. He had not only allowed her to stay, he had even spoken to her like a normal person. Maybe there was hope after all, a shell to break to reach James Buchanan Barnes in there.

Testing her newfound confidence in the assassin's humanity, the woman wordlessly offered him the knife, she held towards him with an outstretched arm. Taking the cutlery, Bucky chuckled lowly, dangerously. Something in his eyes signalled danger, but Michelle kept calm nonetheless. "You think it's a good idea to hand me a weapon, agent?"

"You are not a prisoner here and I made that very clear to Fury. I didn't threaten him to quit if you weren't allowed to use a knife and a fork to eat. I got you one, so you might as well use it. Preferably on the meat, not on me."

The former assassin had to avert his eyes and focus on cutting the meatloaf on his lap. Otherwise he wouldn't have been able to keep his disinterested face intact.

 _Who the fuck is she? Threaten Fury? Not even Steve would dare to do so. And for what? For a knife and a fork. Well, and for food that was actually edible._

xXX

The empty plates were left on the floor between them, the used knife sitting atop of them. The soldier had yet to move back onto the bed and therefore they both still sat on the floor, unsure what to do or say.

Shelly was leaning on her elbows with her legs stretched out in front of her, waiting for some kind of reaction. He had eaten his whole plate and even seemed to have enjoyed it, but he had yet to make a comment about her actions. She didn't do it to earn his trust or to get him to talk, it had been the right thing to do. Nothing more. Like she had made it clear to Hill and Fury, he shouldn't be treated like a fucking prisoner. But… it would still be nice to get a simple thank you out of the former assassin's mouth.

Given the fact, that she was too proud to ask for his appreciation, they stayed silent and kept any eye contact to a minimum. Every now and then the agent caught the man looking at her in what she'd describe as a curious manner.

It was obvious to Bucky that there was something the blonde woman was waiting for but her posture or facial expressions gave no clue as to what that something was. Was there some ritual he was not familiar with? He ate all of the food she had offered him, what more was he supposed to do? That had been already way more than she should have expected in the first place.

So both kept their thoughts to themselves and let their eyes silently roam around the room they sat in. The agent and the soldier remained in their positions, both used to forcing their bodies to keep still, until a knock on the door interrupted the quiet.

Unsure of who was waiting on the other side of the door, Shelly slowly made her way towards the room's only exit. The door, however, opened before she even reached it and revealed a fellow agent she had met in passing. What was his name again? Josh?

"Ahm, hi", he waved awkwardly, "I'm Agent Scott Wilby, I'm here to collect the plates and the knife."

Scott… close enough, almost sounds like Josh. He seems… scared, I suppose. I don't think he's ever been this close to the infamous winter soldier.

"Fury sent you, didn't he?" A small jerky nod confirmed her suspicion and so Shelly finally allowed the man to enter the fully lighted room. As predicted he neared the knife and the soldier with unease and fear clearly expressed by his face.

Annoyed with the male agent's reaction to the other man, Shelly brushed past him, picked up the dirty plates and shoved them into Scott's outstretched hands. "Thank you, Scott, you can go now and tell Fury that knives are good from now on." With that, the woman sat back down on the floor across from the soldier, not looking when the door closed behind her work colleague.

xXx

 _From now on? Does that mean the woman plans on letting me eat the real food more often?_

Inwardly, Bucky smiled at that idea. He surely wouldn't miss the "food" he'd been served so far, it was edible but nothing more. And actually using cutlery had made him feel a little bit more like a human again.

The man, the male agent, however, had looked at him as if he would grab the knife any second and slit his throat before he had a chance to scream for help. Well, there was a time, not that long ago, where that would be a very likely scenario. But now he tried to be better, didn't they see how hard he tried?

He shouldn't need the agent to defend him, he should be able to talk for himself and make them see that he wasn't going to attack them. Nonetheless, he had just sat there, letting it all happen without moving a muscle. This was definitely not what the winter soldier would have done - absolutely not - but it also wasn't what the old Bucky would've done.

No matter in what situation, James Buchanan Barnes had always been the one to take charge and say what needed to be said. He wouldn't allow that to change.

"You don't need to mother me. I can take care of myself. All that agent did was stare, I can handle it, believe me, otherwise I would have made my opinion known."

Hearing his voice must have surprised the woman, because she looked up into his eyes in a sudden movement, her mouth slightly opened. Sadly, the stern mask she liked to wear was back in place in a matter of seconds.

"Oh really? ", her voice was tight and filled with anger. "Then why didn't you say anything when he looked like he was going to faint just from breathing the same air as you? You can't tell me you didn't mind that."

 _Wait… is she actually angry at the agent for treating me like this and not at me? That does not make any sense._

"How could he not? You know the stories they tell about me. He was rightfully scared for his well-being and I don't blame him."

"But you blame yourself, don't you? You think you deserve these stares because of what you've done? Guess what, you don't. You are not some zoo animal to look at. You are not a monster."

Instead of properly reacting to the woman's comment, Bucky only got up to sit back on the bed, in the same position she had found him in earlier this morning.

Earlier this morning … Wasn't that insane? So much had happened that for both it seemed as if at least a week had passed in the meantime. She had just entered the room silently and sat down on the floor. Now they both sat as they did initially and remained quiet until it was time for Shelly to leave for the night.

That night, however, their thoughts were with the other.


End file.
